i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
