I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
