So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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