bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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