o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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