It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
