hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
