Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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