I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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