I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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