It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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