Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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