This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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