tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
