my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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