he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
