If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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