Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
