your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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