So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
