everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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