FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
