Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We left an ass print on the piano.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
