There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize