I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
