1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
