Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
