why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
