i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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