So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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