we're chasing vodka with high fives
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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