Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
