My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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