i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
