At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
