well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize