I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
