I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
