i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
this hospital has no fireball
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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