I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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