fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
