I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
