took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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