3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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