Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
