i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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