tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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