is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
