Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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