I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
