If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
