Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
