my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
