4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
