if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
