Just fell off a train. Bad.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
