last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
